Where have I been?
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Showing posts with label awesome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awesome. Show all posts
1.5.09
17.4.09
Proper and Correct Way of Preparing and Eating a PB&J Sandwich
I found this on the Internet somewhere. I don't know where it originates from, but it is pretty hilarious.
Next, you must spread a thick layer of jelly onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the jelly on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread jelly on one side. Spreading jelly on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich.
You cannot spread jelly onto the same slice of bread onto which you have spread peanut butter. Also, you cannot spread peanut butter or jelly onto more than one slice of bread, as this will provide an undesired excess of either ingredient. Additionally, only peanut butter and jelly can be spread onto these slices of bread; no other ingredient will suffice, and no substitute can be used in a sandwich that is to be legitimately recognized as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Likewise, only bread may be the substance upon which the peanut butter and jelly are spread, as anything else does not fit the standards of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; if the peanut butter and jelly are spread onto a culinary medium that isn't bread, the meal at hand simply is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Once you have accomplished spreading a thin layer of peanut butter onto the white of one side of one slice of bread, and likewise has been accomplished using grape jelly on a separate slice of bread, you must match the slices of bread up to each other, forming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In this scenario, the peanut butter-covered face of bread must be facing the jelly-covered face of the second slice of bread so that the peanut butter surface touched the surface of the jelly. The surface of the peanut butter is not allowed to touch a jelly-less substance of bread, resulting in the jelly facing outwards, and likewise applies to the jelly. If a substance is found facing on the outside of the sandwich, the product will not be accepted as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The side with peanut butter and the side with jelly on it must match up and stick together to form one solid sandwich. When the eater picks up the sandwich, he or she must hold both pieces of bread at the same time, or else one slice will fall off, and eating only one slice of bread will not be recognized as the same or even similar to eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Next, you must take a bite of the sandwich. This action will consist of moving the sandwich within such a close proximity of your face that a small "bite" of the sandwich will enter your mouth for you to mash up with your teeth. This bite must be a bite that includes both slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly. Make sure that all obstructions are clear from the mouth and esophagus, not including peanut butter, jelly or bread or any combination of said ingredients. If you have followed all previous steps, this goal will be easily accomplished. Not doing so will create an incorrect and inferior dining experience and thus will not be a peanut and butter sandwich that is being eaten. However, if one successfully gets both peanut butter and jelly in one bite that fits in the mouth and does not result in choking, the dining experience is thus far acceptable.
For your complete experience with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to be considered complete and unobjectable, you must perform the previously mentioned series of taking bites of the sandwich, chewing them, and swallowing them repeatedly until the entire sandwich has been removed visible existence.
These circumstances may only be reached by eating the entire sandwich, and no parts of the sandwich may be thrown away or given to somebody else. This is your sandwich, and your responsibility. For the Dining experience to be completed, the sandwich must be completely digested.
In the context of completing the process of consuming a legitimate peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are no extenuating circumstances. Actions such as vomiting, surgical removal of the sandwich from the body, or placement of the sandwich inside the lungs opposed to the esophagus will not be taken into account, as they do not result in the complete digestion of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The process must come to a close via rectal excrement of feces that have been provided by the digestion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once the peanut butter and jelly sandwich-fueled feces have exited the rectum, they must remain free from the rectum to be considered conclusive in the process of physically processing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If the feces re-enters the rectum, the process will be rendered a failure, and must be started again.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
First, you must spread a thick layer of peanut butter onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the peanut butter on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread peanut butter on one side. Spreading peanut butter on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich.Next, you must spread a thick layer of jelly onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the jelly on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread jelly on one side. Spreading jelly on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich.
You cannot spread jelly onto the same slice of bread onto which you have spread peanut butter. Also, you cannot spread peanut butter or jelly onto more than one slice of bread, as this will provide an undesired excess of either ingredient. Additionally, only peanut butter and jelly can be spread onto these slices of bread; no other ingredient will suffice, and no substitute can be used in a sandwich that is to be legitimately recognized as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Likewise, only bread may be the substance upon which the peanut butter and jelly are spread, as anything else does not fit the standards of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; if the peanut butter and jelly are spread onto a culinary medium that isn't bread, the meal at hand simply is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Once you have accomplished spreading a thin layer of peanut butter onto the white of one side of one slice of bread, and likewise has been accomplished using grape jelly on a separate slice of bread, you must match the slices of bread up to each other, forming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In this scenario, the peanut butter-covered face of bread must be facing the jelly-covered face of the second slice of bread so that the peanut butter surface touched the surface of the jelly. The surface of the peanut butter is not allowed to touch a jelly-less substance of bread, resulting in the jelly facing outwards, and likewise applies to the jelly. If a substance is found facing on the outside of the sandwich, the product will not be accepted as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
The side with peanut butter and the side with jelly on it must match up and stick together to form one solid sandwich. When the eater picks up the sandwich, he or she must hold both pieces of bread at the same time, or else one slice will fall off, and eating only one slice of bread will not be recognized as the same or even similar to eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Next, you must take a bite of the sandwich. This action will consist of moving the sandwich within such a close proximity of your face that a small "bite" of the sandwich will enter your mouth for you to mash up with your teeth. This bite must be a bite that includes both slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly. Make sure that all obstructions are clear from the mouth and esophagus, not including peanut butter, jelly or bread or any combination of said ingredients. If you have followed all previous steps, this goal will be easily accomplished. Not doing so will create an incorrect and inferior dining experience and thus will not be a peanut and butter sandwich that is being eaten. However, if one successfully gets both peanut butter and jelly in one bite that fits in the mouth and does not result in choking, the dining experience is thus far acceptable.
For your complete experience with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to be considered complete and unobjectable, you must perform the previously mentioned series of taking bites of the sandwich, chewing them, and swallowing them repeatedly until the entire sandwich has been removed visible existence.
These circumstances may only be reached by eating the entire sandwich, and no parts of the sandwich may be thrown away or given to somebody else. This is your sandwich, and your responsibility. For the Dining experience to be completed, the sandwich must be completely digested.
In the context of completing the process of consuming a legitimate peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are no extenuating circumstances. Actions such as vomiting, surgical removal of the sandwich from the body, or placement of the sandwich inside the lungs opposed to the esophagus will not be taken into account, as they do not result in the complete digestion of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The process must come to a close via rectal excrement of feces that have been provided by the digestion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once the peanut butter and jelly sandwich-fueled feces have exited the rectum, they must remain free from the rectum to be considered conclusive in the process of physically processing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If the feces re-enters the rectum, the process will be rendered a failure, and must be started again.
16.4.09
Helvetia's Child
Helvetica. It's a widely used sans-serif typeface created in 1957, little known by many people. Which is sad, because it's possibly the most beautiful and influential font family in modern history.
When it was created, it took the world by storm. Before Helvetica, advertising and writing was entirely composed of fancy, grotesque, cursive fonts (just google advertising in the 1940s). Helvetica was so neutral, it completely redefined the world of text and created a whole new genre of fonts.
Now, it's been overtaken by copycats and lookalikes, such as Arial, which has skyrocketed to popularity since Microsoft has adopted it, leaving Helvetica in the dust and unknown to the modern world.
Helvetica made history. Let's fight back.
When it was created, it took the world by storm. Before Helvetica, advertising and writing was entirely composed of fancy, grotesque, cursive fonts (just google advertising in the 1940s). Helvetica was so neutral, it completely redefined the world of text and created a whole new genre of fonts.
Now, it's been overtaken by copycats and lookalikes, such as Arial, which has skyrocketed to popularity since Microsoft has adopted it, leaving Helvetica in the dust and unknown to the modern world.
Helvetica made history. Let's fight back.
1.4.09
April Fools' Day!
Jazz is funny. Take it this way: chicken chops are actually sentient resistors! Transcending photorealism is the way to go, and I like garbage.
Remember the bulldozers.
Remember the bulldozers.
6.3.09
Aweful Items of Note
This is my list of things that are awesome.
- Twilight
- Action figures
- Ballistics
- Biology
- Geography
- History
- Literature
- Speculative fiction
- Special effects
- Digital art
- Conventional art
- Animation
- Myth and legend
- The Bible
- The Koran
- The Tao Te Ching
- Aviation
- Photography
- Cooking
- Martial arts
- Dance
- Japan
- Hovercars
- Airships
- Jetpacks
- Ray guns
- Space elevators
- Genetic engineering
- Other worlds
- Video games
- Programming
- Checkers
- Character design
- Game design
- Product design
- The letter Y
- The Greek alphabet
- Roguelike games
- Pie
- Processed meat
- Salmon
- Sushi
- Chinese food (authentic, not that screwy American trash)
- The elements
- Nature
- Volcanoes
- Dew
- Narwhals
- Cats
- Anime
- Manga
- Cosplay
- Typefaces
- Linguistics
- Writing
- Apple Computing Inc.
- Graphic novels
- Batman
- Linguistics
- Foreign languages
- Fictional languages
- This list
27.2.09
Figures of the Actional Variety
Action figures are pretty neat. I know they're just poseable lumps of plastic, but there's something inherently awesome about having little figures of your favorite characters on your shelf. You can take them down and mess with them, customize them with paint and glue, or just leave them as a beautiful display. Call them dolls, whatever you want, but you have to admit that some of them get to look pretty sweet.
Cool Series
- Bionicle, a line from Lego, is a series of huge buildable figures. Not only do the finished sets look incredible, you can also tear the apart to build pretty much anything you like. Recently, they've just restarted the line to feature post-apocalyptic themed characters, and some amazing vehicles (think desert bikes) are to be released in August.
- The Star Wars line from Hasbro is generally hit and miss, but it contains some truly awesome figures, like their latest Darth Vader or the numerous Stormtrooper variants.
- Transformers is an interesting concept, and Hasbro's latest Animated line is generally composed of nice toys with plenty of poseability and good aesthetic in both modes. Of course, other lines, especially those intended at adult or older fans, are worth a look. You never know when you may stumble across a gem.
- Apparently, the Japanese really know their stuff, because they make friggin' sweet figures. Most are presented as model kits, since the figures require assembly, and as such they have a ridiculous amount of poseability and quality. Especially of note are the Gundam kits and the odd rare anime/game figure. Rock on, Nippon.
Thus ends the rant.
Cool Series
- Bionicle, a line from Lego, is a series of huge buildable figures. Not only do the finished sets look incredible, you can also tear the apart to build pretty much anything you like. Recently, they've just restarted the line to feature post-apocalyptic themed characters, and some amazing vehicles (think desert bikes) are to be released in August.
- The Star Wars line from Hasbro is generally hit and miss, but it contains some truly awesome figures, like their latest Darth Vader or the numerous Stormtrooper variants.
- Transformers is an interesting concept, and Hasbro's latest Animated line is generally composed of nice toys with plenty of poseability and good aesthetic in both modes. Of course, other lines, especially those intended at adult or older fans, are worth a look. You never know when you may stumble across a gem.
- Apparently, the Japanese really know their stuff, because they make friggin' sweet figures. Most are presented as model kits, since the figures require assembly, and as such they have a ridiculous amount of poseability and quality. Especially of note are the Gundam kits and the odd rare anime/game figure. Rock on, Nippon.
Thus ends the rant.
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